It's been a while since I posted something. My last post was on the 24th of March. It was her birthday. It's been 68 days. A lot of things happened in those 68 days. But there's not much to tell. I passed my German A2 examination. The paper was tough. I spent a weekend in Johor few weeks back. I saw her for a brief while visiting school.

Then recently I was badly ill. I had a fever for around 5 days. I was confined to either the couch or my bed. I could only eat soup and porridge but the good thing about it is that I lost quite an amount of weight which I am really rather happy about.

Anyways, I had or maybe have a crisis. I planned to not pursue art. I wasn't too sure what I wanted to do, but then I straightened things out and I decided yeah I'm doing fine arts and I'm going to Germany.

Living in KL isn't a hoot as what many people say. It's constantly congested. I miss my friends. I miss life in JB and I need to get my driving license pronto. I have no idea why I registered driving school in JB knowingly I was going to move to KL. That was real smart.

I watched MiB III the other day and it was awesome. Agent K, played by Tommy Lee Jones is just brilliant. I bought the first two DVDs and watched it again. I want to be an MiB agent now. No longer a Jedi, or a detective like Sherlock Holmes. MiB agent is the new Jedi and detective.

For the pass few days all I could think about is her. I'm not too sure what caused it. All I want to do is tell her how much I love her and miss her. But the thing is, I can't. I want to, but I can't. It's like defying the laws of love. I fucking miss you.

Today is her birthday.

I just got back from JB after spending two weeks there doing nothing but living life with my mates. It was the greatest 2 weeks I had since I moved to KL. And now I'm back in gloomy, boring and hectic KL. I want to go back to Johor. I took my driving course and unexpectedly, surprisingly and shockingly she came too for the course. I told myself that I have no intentions of seeing her while I was in JB. It's good for me to move on but what'dya know, I met her and sat next to her and talked to her. And everything just came back. Shit.

Now I'm back in reality, starting work and German A2 on Monday. Fuck.

Hey, I know that we're not close anymore despite when we said friends forever no matter what. We are drifting apart till the point where one day if the day comes, if we meet, we're gonna say "We haven't seen and spoke to each other for ages. How have you been?" But to me, from my point of view, I should never forget who my childhood friends are because they will always be the one who knows best. And you know me best. So no matter where this crazy world takes us, you will always be the person I will remember the most in my life even the fact that we don't talk anymore.

Today at German class, I learnt how to tell directions. I find it very confusing as the others who are learning other languages. But my friends and I had a good laugh mocking each other. Anyways, at work, I spent the 4 hours in the storehouse wrapping paintings with Jean and Kang Jye. Well Jean and Kang Jye did most of the wrapping. They wanted me to observe and learn how they do it. They're gonna teach me how to make my own box from cardboard tomorrow. After work while waiting for my mother, I hung around Borders Bookstores. I saw an awesome book that I really want, "The Path of the Jedi" Unfortunately it costs 400 bucks. Anyways, gonna repeat the whole day tomorrow. Have a good evening. Good night.

I will fit everything that happened. I've been working for almost a month at the gallery and I really enjoy myself. The girls at work are awesome. And German is getting tougher. Categorizing everything to sex, feminine, masculine and neutral. Yes, they have neutral unlike French and Spanish. And the grammar, bestimmt, unbestimmt, akkusativ, dativ, nomanativ and so on.

Next month is the German Level A1 exam. But that's not the end. I have to complete Level A2 German for another three months. Hopefully when that's over, I could work in Berlin for a month or two at a friend's gallery to improve my speech in German and to gain experience. It's my uncle's idea and I think my dad's on board.

So basically, what I do everyday on the weekdays is: Wake up at 7. Leave for the LRT station at 8. Arrive at the destination, take a 10-15 minutes walk from the station to class. After 3 and a half confusing and head-aching hours of German, walk back to the station to work. Take another 20 to 30 minutes walk to work. Four to five hours in the gallery and when that is done, walk back to the station and head home. On Fridays, mum picks me up and I spend my weekend with mother. I miss Johor.

Anyways, tomorrow's Monday. Another outstanding week coming. Oh boy. Goodnight.

Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. I guess I am the stupid one for ever thinking that she's the one, but maybe, just maybe, I'm tired of being alone. I'm frustrated cause' I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together. But despite all this shit, I still fucking love you.

It was my first day at work on Monday in a gallery. My first task was to rearrange catalogues in the bookshelf and they said I did a top notch job. But yesterday I didn't go in, I fell ill but today, definitely going, There's an opening tonight, so I'm quite excited. This is my second week learning German and it is tough. Very confusing but what's life without struggling?

We'll be moving in soon to our new house in Bukit Tunku. It's a really cool house from the 70s but, JB is still home no matter what. I miss Johor terribly. I miss her terribly. She asked 2 of my close buddies out. I obviously am really jealous of them. She didn't ask me. I know I'm in KL but I wish she would acknowledge me. I always have this crazy thought of 2 of my close friends just sweeping her off her feet. It gets me everytime and it kills me of that thought. Doesn't matter if it's with my best friends but with anyone else, the pain is unbearable. And it just makes me lose it. After what happened, it's so hard to trust anyone. I've been trying to meet her since before I left for KL, just to see her once but she was too busy. I don't know if she's avoiding me or something. I'm sad.

Currently staying alone in KL. I had my first German class yesterday. It was really fun. Ich spreche Deutsch :) The teacher Ilse Koo is great. She's from Austria. I met new friends too, Azza from Sudan, Mohamed from Saudi Arabia, Ammar from Yemen, Richie from the Philippines and Connie from Malaysia. Gonna have my 2nd lesson in a couple of hours. Last night, I went to the theaters and watched a horror, The Awakening. Alone. It's not that scary but I enjoyed it.

Anyways, I guess right now at where I am, I'm slowly moving on. Do I think about her often? Yes I do. But I think, the feeling of wanting her so much is drifting away. I still really miss her but it's good I guess that I'm spending time apart from her. Start the process of moving on. But there's still a part, a feeling, inside me that still love her. That is a very dangerous feeling. I'm trying to seal it and just keep it away. It's unmistakably extremely fragile. Just one look from her, a smile, a laugh, that feeling is just gonna burst out. It's clear that she doesn't want to be together. So I can't keep doing this to myself. This will be good for me.

There are other girls out there but I can't imagine myself with any of them though. I've only imagined myself with her. Ah shit... Anyways, gonna make breakfast now. Good morning.

Jealousy can really destroy a man. Anyways, this is my first post of 2012. She and I have been chatting and texting more then usual. Yeah I guess it's good and I'm glad that we are but um how do I say this? I'm still in love... With um her. I guess I'm happy that we're more close then usual. But talking to the person you love knowing she's not with you can really just really @I€++%#[^+€>?£_= you. But it's better then not talking at all. Yeah sure maybe it could push me even deeper in the friend zone but hey, I get to talk to her, see her smile and laugh

The other day, she dropped by the house (while I was in Singapore =.=") sending Christmas presents. She gave me a really cool pendrive and a card the day before and she dropped by again the next day giving minced pies and cookies. They were awesome. And 2 days ago, I went by her house and gave her her Christmas present and literally in front of her dad. Haha. How awesome is that? But I think he's cool with it.

Anyways, I'm moving to KL soon. And I don't how often I'm going to see her again. I have work and German lessons. Am I reluctant to move? Yes I am. My friends told me it's a good thing that I'm moving to KL so I can just forget her and move on but I'm not sure if I can and want to. I know I can't keep on living like this forever.. I don't know. I'm currently lost. Well, we'll see how it goes. I mean I don't care about getting hurt, I'm use to it but as long she doesn't get hurt.

I guess that's about it.