Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. I guess I am the stupid one for ever thinking that she's the one, but maybe, just maybe, I'm tired of being alone. I'm frustrated cause' I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together. But despite all this shit, I still fucking love you.

It was my first day at work on Monday in a gallery. My first task was to rearrange catalogues in the bookshelf and they said I did a top notch job. But yesterday I didn't go in, I fell ill but today, definitely going, There's an opening tonight, so I'm quite excited. This is my second week learning German and it is tough. Very confusing but what's life without struggling?

We'll be moving in soon to our new house in Bukit Tunku. It's a really cool house from the 70s but, JB is still home no matter what. I miss Johor terribly. I miss her terribly. She asked 2 of my close buddies out. I obviously am really jealous of them. She didn't ask me. I know I'm in KL but I wish she would acknowledge me. I always have this crazy thought of 2 of my close friends just sweeping her off her feet. It gets me everytime and it kills me of that thought. Doesn't matter if it's with my best friends but with anyone else, the pain is unbearable. And it just makes me lose it. After what happened, it's so hard to trust anyone. I've been trying to meet her since before I left for KL, just to see her once but she was too busy. I don't know if she's avoiding me or something. I'm sad.

Currently staying alone in KL. I had my first German class yesterday. It was really fun. Ich spreche Deutsch :) The teacher Ilse Koo is great. She's from Austria. I met new friends too, Azza from Sudan, Mohamed from Saudi Arabia, Ammar from Yemen, Richie from the Philippines and Connie from Malaysia. Gonna have my 2nd lesson in a couple of hours. Last night, I went to the theaters and watched a horror, The Awakening. Alone. It's not that scary but I enjoyed it.

Anyways, I guess right now at where I am, I'm slowly moving on. Do I think about her often? Yes I do. But I think, the feeling of wanting her so much is drifting away. I still really miss her but it's good I guess that I'm spending time apart from her. Start the process of moving on. But there's still a part, a feeling, inside me that still love her. That is a very dangerous feeling. I'm trying to seal it and just keep it away. It's unmistakably extremely fragile. Just one look from her, a smile, a laugh, that feeling is just gonna burst out. It's clear that she doesn't want to be together. So I can't keep doing this to myself. This will be good for me.

There are other girls out there but I can't imagine myself with any of them though. I've only imagined myself with her. Ah shit... Anyways, gonna make breakfast now. Good morning.

Jealousy can really destroy a man. Anyways, this is my first post of 2012. She and I have been chatting and texting more then usual. Yeah I guess it's good and I'm glad that we are but um how do I say this? I'm still in love... With um her. I guess I'm happy that we're more close then usual. But talking to the person you love knowing she's not with you can really just really @I€++%#[^+€>?£_= you. But it's better then not talking at all. Yeah sure maybe it could push me even deeper in the friend zone but hey, I get to talk to her, see her smile and laugh

The other day, she dropped by the house (while I was in Singapore =.=") sending Christmas presents. She gave me a really cool pendrive and a card the day before and she dropped by again the next day giving minced pies and cookies. They were awesome. And 2 days ago, I went by her house and gave her her Christmas present and literally in front of her dad. Haha. How awesome is that? But I think he's cool with it.

Anyways, I'm moving to KL soon. And I don't how often I'm going to see her again. I have work and German lessons. Am I reluctant to move? Yes I am. My friends told me it's a good thing that I'm moving to KL so I can just forget her and move on but I'm not sure if I can and want to. I know I can't keep on living like this forever.. I don't know. I'm currently lost. Well, we'll see how it goes. I mean I don't care about getting hurt, I'm use to it but as long she doesn't get hurt.

I guess that's about it.